Special Needs Mothering and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

FOMO! I first heard that term/acronym from my older son who flippantly told me that one of his classmates "has major FOMO", she attends every singular school function. I had no idea what that meant and I curiously asked him, "what's that?" He said, "you don't know what that is mommy? It means Fear Of Missing Out, FOMO.”

Wow, there's a word for it! "That was me!” I thought. I felt relieved. I suddenly diagnosed myself as also having major FOMO! Is there a support group for this?

In retrospect, I don't know if I have FOMO or just want to regain my social life again. At the end of last year, some parents in my support group shared how rarely we, as special needs moms, go out. Of course, this is the story of my life so I chimed in. 

Before kids, I went out quite a bit especially to art/artists events. As a special needs parent, this doesn't happen very often, although I'm trying to rectify that. I guess this is common with any parent, not just special needs. But when one is mothering a "typical" child you expect this to be temporary, that, as the child grows older, you will have your freedom back or at least be able to take him/her with you. Not so with a special needs child. I will forever need to arrange babysitting for my son who requires constant supervision.

I don't have many options for free childcare; I have one sister who lives far away, another with many responsibilities of her own, and aging parents/in-laws who are not equipped to handle Dan's boundless energy.  

Then I have to grapple with my own guilt. "you want to spend money on babysitting to go to a gallery opening, or an art talk? How frivolous! You should be home with your kids! No one has really said this to me out loud but the self-talk is real. 

There are some outings that are no- brainers and if they happen during school hours, even better; school functions that are important for my education as a special needs parent, church every Sunday, and of course, work! These events, I am either required or make a concerted effort to attend.

But when I am deluged with countless invitations to gallery openings, book signings, poetry readings, art talks, kid's parties, church conferences, hanging with friends… I want to go to all of them and major FOMO kicks in!  I have to make a major decision as to whether it’s worth asking my very overworked husband to stay with the kids, whether it's worth paying a babysitter, or whether I will regret it if I decide to do neither and stay home. The last one has happened countless of times and I am determined to have that happen less this year. 

Here is my criteria for how I pick my outings. This is strictly my criteria and I look forward to hearing your criteria as well: 

1.    I go to outings that bring me into community

I belong to various communities and I choose events that will bring me closer to each of them. One community that means a lot to me is the Puerto Rican artist/artisan community so I try to be present for at least two of their major events; The Comite Noviembre Puerto Rican Artisan Fair in November and the Committee to Honor Puerto Rican Women on International Working Women's Day in March. These are blocked out on the calendar so everyone in the house is on notice; I’m going!

10th annual Comite Noviembre Puerto Rican Artisan Fair 2015

Community, in general, is important and necessary for everyone. As an artist, who often works in isolation, like myself, it is huge, so I plan and make sure my child is taken care of during these times.

2. I go to outings that will make an impact on my museum practice.

At a Museum Access Consortium workshop at the Museum of Modern Art 

Besides running a creative business, I am also a museum educator. I talk about art for a living and want to get better at it. When there are professional development conferences or workshops on museum education, I try to be there.

3. I go to outings that are beneficial for us as a family. 

These outings are the best because they don’t require babysitting! Two major events that we clear our schedule for are The Bronxchester Challenger Baseball League and last year’s 1st Annual Sensory-friendly Holiday Party, both hosted by D3 Sports & Recreation, Inc. The Bronxchester Challenger League is a program to help autistic children with sensory integration and social engagement through baseball. We love it! Our kids can be themselves, play ball, and we can grab something to eat afterwards. It’s great family time!

My youngest; after the  game

Anything with the word “sensory” in it has my attention so when we were invited to the 1^st Annual Sensory-friendly Holiday Party, we knew we had to attend. Here, we came into contact again with former teammates from the baseball league and others from the autism community.

My youngest playing with rice during the 1st annual Holiday Sensory Party sponsored by D3 Sports & Recreation, Inc. 

These events also bring us into community, the autism community; we need this community in our lives! In general, if you create a space where our kids are welcomed, we will be there!

What are your communities? Where do you need to be seen? Who do you want to connect with, learn more from? Make sure you get to those events. Hire a sitter, ask a friend, plan in advance. Where there is a will, there is a way. This is key to keeping FOMO at bay. You are not really missing out on anything if you attend key events that are important to you. 

How do you organize your outings? I would love to know, Please post your comments below. 

If you would like to donate to the Bronx Parents Autism Support Circle, go to www.bxpasc.org. 

If you would like to donate to D3 Sports & Recreation, Inc., please click here, 

Transform a T-Shirt into a Leather Yoke Tunic: My Latest T-shirt Refashion

I am so proud of my latest t-shirt refashion! I turned my husband's shirt into a leather yoked tunic!

I couldn't believe it when my husband finally let me have this shirt. Maybe he gave in after the 100th time I asked for it? I loved this t-shirt it from the minute he bought it. The bright, sparkle of the gold leaf design against the black background, the intricate detail of the eagle's wings, and the large gold outlines in the upper right corner made for a beautiful printed textile begging to be refashioned.

I knew I wanted a leather yoke for this similar to the one  made for this tunic out of a purse. But, lo and behold, I didn't have a  leather piece big enough for my yoke pattern. What I did have, was leather scraps so I sewed leather scraps together and made a large enough piece for the yoke. Here it is. I love the patchwork effect from the different types of leather. 

I kept the neck band and simply moved it slightly lower, under the yoke, creating a little peek a boo cut out. 

Lastly, I cut the hemline in asymmetrical fashion to compliment the design which was, indeed, also asymmetrical. I am so happy with the results, and have worn it several times already. It also looks really great with a black blazer or sweater. 

Japanese Woodblock Print Workshop by April Vollmer: Book Review

Review by Nellie Escalante

As a printmaker, I was so excited to receive Japanese Woodblock Print Workshop: A Modern Guide to the World of Mokuhanga by April Vollmer. I don’t know much about this kind of printmaking, mokuhanga, but I was excited to find out more. From the moment the book was delivered it into my hands, and I opened the package, I was impressed. It was a lot thicker than I thought and the cover was absolutely beautiful. 

Japanese Woodblock Print Workshop has an approachable tone but also reads like a manual, giving step by step, methodical instructions in creating a work with this printing system. I am accustomed to reading printmaking books that are crafty in nature, about having fun with the art form; the very nature of printmaking is about the everyday and the ease in which one can make an impression. But this book conveys printmaking as serious business.  This is indeed a workshop, just as the title suggests. You come to this book to learn and to work, and I like that.

The author, herself, is a serious student of this art form. Vollmer completed her MFA in printmaking at Hunter College (also my alma mater) and worked with Vincent Longo, an abstract artist who moved easily between printmaking and painting.  She sought mokuhanga after graduate school because it was a water based technique and suited her needs as an artist printmaker in a small studio.  

However, this does not mean that a novice wouldn’t also enjoy Japanese Woodblock Print Workshop. Vollmer states, “I have tried to balance my respect for the careful craftsmanship of Japanese professionals with the desire to make the technique accessible.” Elsewhere in the book she says, “with experience, artists can develop an approach to woodblock printing that reflects their practical situation, technical ability and available resources.”

Vollmer takes us back to the history of Japanese woodblock printmaking, the tools and materials needed to carry out this art form, a step by step guide to create a print, and a chapter on new directions in this medium. The book also includes many exquisite illustrations and photos and is packed with information about tools, techniques, and paper. At the end of the tome, Vollmer, generously, offers countless resources such as a list of online and print magazines, classes, conferences, residencies, a dense bibliography, and other printmaking opportunities.

This was an absolute feast for the mind and eyes. I would recommend this book to serious students of printmaking, someone who already has a basic knowledge of the art form and would like to delve more into the world of the Japanese woodblock print, or, in other words, mokuhanga. I know I will! 

For more info click here, 

To learn more about April Vollmer, go to her website here. 

Reviewed by Nellie Escalante

I received this book from Blogging for Books for this review.

Unintended Saint

I moved into a new home last year and to my surprise, the house came with a saint! This sweet little saint draped and entrenched in blue, right there in my backyard. I am guessing, it’s the virgin Mary. I’m guessing because I grew up Protestant, in a Spanish speaking Pentecostal church where there was no imagery besides Sunday school illustrations. Sightings of such man-made icons, like this one,  conjure up visions of my childhood church members screaming IDOLATRIA!

So when I was confronted with this icon in my yard, I didn’t know what quite to think or do. “Should we remove it?” I thought. I mean, we’re not Catholic, it doesn’t mean anything to us. But as time went on, we just let it stay. She was there first, by all means, who were we to remove her, she wasn’t harming anyone or anything.

As time went on I began to feel close to this saint. I would worry that she was getting rained or snowed on in the winter or that the wild greenery of the summer would practically bury her. I know she wasn't real, but I began to have a certain kind of affection for her. She has become a part of the family. Her presence in the backyard became palpable. 

I live in a largely Catholic neighborhood, or at least it used to be largely Catholic. Now there are people from everywhere with various beliefs living here, but Catholic remnants still remain. I see saints in some of the houses on my block. 

There is also a big Catholic church on my block as is the school that accompanies it. These, together, practically take up the entire street.   

This was actually taken late at night

I have to say that I enjoy this holy presence in my neighborhood and it's not only images, but holy texts that abound as one passes the church. This "open 24 hours" sign intrigued me. I was like, "what? The church is open even at 3 am?” I don't know how they did it but this seemed right. I don't know if I would ever need the church at 3 am but just to know that it was, well, this Pentecostal girl was already won over. 

This "come to me " sign meets me those mornings I'm scheduled to work in the museum, on on my way to the train. What a great reminder right there in the open. I like these holy markers, along the way, these spiritual sign posts make me feel and desire the holy and otherworldly in my life. 

Maybe the Catholic Church was onto something. The Nicene Creed talks about God being in the visible and invisible. The Catholic Church got the visible part right. My Protestant background was more interested in the  invisible (except when it came to women’s dress, that’s another post). But in the real world, the invisible becomes visible through things seen with the naked eye; art, icons, church architecture, sacred texts, you and I.  All these bring us a little closer to God, especially the last two, when we do indeed act like Him. 

So yes, we kept the saint. I like seeing this God symbol in my backyard as we eat, as the kids play, as I screen print and make art in this open space. In my mundane, daily life, God is there, and this sweet little saint tells me so everyday.

I Caught a Glimpse...

The other day, I went bowling with my church friends, we were ten, including moi. We met a wonderful family there, they were invited by one of our church members. They were  a family of four: mom, pop, an eleven year old girl and a boy. The girl was so beautiful and well spoken; a dancer. I couldn't believe she was only eleven. We talked about dance technique; chasses and ronde de jambes. It was the most intellectual conversation I had that night. 

Then I caught a glimpse of the boy, the cutest kid. Tall and skinny, like Dan, soft brown hair, also like Dan, I asked his mom how old he was, he was eight, just like Dan. So, I caught a glimpse. A glimpse of what Dan might sound and move like if he didn't have autism. This boy was funny and witty, I could imagine Dan being like that. He spoke fast and had the cutest expressions; I could imagine Dan speaking like that...and for that second, I could feel tears begin to well up. But just for a second. As quickly as these feelings came, they left. They left with the thought of my sweet Dan. 

Dan and I had the most amazing time, earlier that very day. We had a wonderful water play session in our back yard and I remembered his smile, the sheer joy over his face and body playing with the water; his chuckles and laughs. Later on,  I remembered his touch, leading me to the sofa, so I could tickle and massage him. I remembered Dan, my son, his face, his laugh, his gaze, his smile, and in that moment, I did not want him to be anyone else. That beautiful boy I had met in the bowling alley had his own name (which I actually forgot now) and his own life, and his own face. 

He was him and Dan was Dan 

and he is mine and 

I love him for who he is.  

At this time in my life, I would not recognize Daniel if he talked and stood still.This doesn't mean that we don't aim for this and work hard so he can be the best he can be, but at this time, it's not him and I want him to be him. I want Dan. 

So I caught a glimpse of what Dan might have been and I looked away, content.

Easy "Cut and Paste" Dress/Jumpsuit Refashion

This was a super easy refashion, my last for the summer, and very much in line with my other jumpsuit creation. The only difference is, that in the previous design, seen here, I made the pants from scratch and bought the top. 

In this one, I used a dress given to me, and a jumpsuit I bought from a thrift shop which turned out to be too large. 

The flowery print on the dress was too overpowering for my frame and the hem was lopsided. I just didn't like how it looked on me, it also showed all my chichos (love handles). It    was made from jersey fabric and had very little structure, but I did love the top. 

The opposite was the case with the jumpsuit. The top part was too big but I loved these balloon, jeannie pants. 

Since I loved the snugness of the top, I decided to keep that part of the dress, it hugged my small torso, and I love the way that feels. This is the very reason I learned how to sew, I often felt like my body was swimming in my clothes making me feel uncomfortable. 

Heres's a close-up without the belt and with Dan hanging off my arm

Anyway, I added the top to the balloon pants to form a collage of sorts of the two outfits. 

...and with the belt, it looks even cooler! More and more, I am loving this sillouette on me, small top and giant bottom. That's actually the shape of my body and I love it. 

I also loved the little surprise in the back. 

There were, however,  some things to consider. First, was the opening of the dress big enough for me to pull over my hips? Check! It was. Would I lose the stretch of the elastic once I stitched the two? I wasn't sure. 

Normally, if you stitch two pieces of fabric together, even if it's two stretchy pieces, the stitches will not stretch unless you use elastic thread, which I had run out of, but luckily, I didn't run out of ideas!  I figured that if I cut the pant part of the jumpsuit above the elastic, I could stitch the two on the elastic and this might continue the stretch. Here's a short video I made showing this process. 

This is the first time I am working with video, so excited! but I didn't realize the audio was so low, so here is the transcription: 

"I am now attaching the top to the bottom, the underneath, of course, is the blouse portion and the black is the pants. Now, I'm stretching it so I actually get the stretch when I actually put it on." 

The only audio here is "weeeeeeeeee", lol. I stitched both pieces on top of the elastic.

It worked and I absolutely love the results. I've already worn it   several times already; to church, my museum job, and the other day, to my son's school open house. 

It really is a versatile piece and so easy to make. 

Listen, if you have clothes you don't wear anymore, chances are there still might be something about it that you love and can possibly refashion into something else. There are too many clothes that end up in land fills. Lets do something about this. Teach yourself basic sewing skills or hire someone to help you refashion your wardrobe (not me though - my plate is currently full).  Over 80% of our clothes are made over seas in Bangladesh and China and they are paying big time for the cheap clothes we buy. Recycle, refashion, it's not just a fad and although it's also about the planet, it's more about our fellow human beings. The planet doesn't need saving, we do. I plan to talk more about this in future posts, I guess it just spilled over here. 

What do you think?