I Choose Light: Merry Christmas



Hubby prefers to keep his identity private.

I dug up this picture of hubby and I a couple of weeks ago. A year before we had our first child,  we were asked to play Mary and Joseph for a Christmas play at our church. We were given a plastic doll for baby Jesus and were sent on our way with our script. If only life were that easy; a plastic baby that doesn’t cry and all you have to do is say your lines. Sounds good to me, or does it? There is no choice involved in this scenario. On a very difficult day with my youngest child, I pondered this whole idea of choice.

Dan was sick one day and stayed home from school. The day after, I decided he should stay home again to rest but rest he did not! He ran back and forth, climbed everything and broke a couple of things. The last straw was when he poured a half bottle of juice on the floor. I determined he was fine to go to school. I put his coat on, and off we went to the bus stop.

I felt bad, though. Like I had to take my kid to school because I needed a break from him. I felt selfish, a bad mom. The teacher doubted my decision in taking him to school after he had been sick the day before. I felt judged.  

Many people tell me that my hubby and I were chosen for this mission, caring for two special needs children. That we are so patient, kind, and loving. Sometimes I feel God thinks too highly of me and made a mistake. I am not always patient. I am not always loving and kind. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a saint, I am not the virgin Mary! Or perhaps I am just like her.

We often attribute saint like qualities to Mary, and she did have them, but in reality she was just a mere mortal like you and I with choice. I believe in a God of free will. We are not robots, He can't control us that way.  God chose Mary to carry the Saviour in her womb and ultimately mother him until his death but she had to choose back. Jesus was birthed amidst adversity. Mary and Joseph were not married and people were talking. God chose that scandalous scenario and Mary chose to be up for the challenge despite the many doubts, fears and feelings of failure she might have had about mothering Jesus.  He was in fact a special needs child too. He was the Saviour, it doesn’t get more special than that! As an adult, they called Him crazy and dillusional and as a child, He must have been very difficult to understand. I could imagine Mary having moments where she didn’t know what the hell she was doing.

At the end, yes, God is in the business of choosing but we also need to choose back. I can choose to fall into despair or I can choose to be kind, patient and loving. Perhaps the saintliness comes in the choosing of light.  And sometimes the most loving and kind thing I can do for my boys, and for me, is to get a much needed break no matter how selfish it may appear to me or others. That's choosing light. I have no plastic babies and have not been handed a script. Sometimes I will succeed and sometimes I may fail at this mothering thing. My power is in choosing kindness, patience and love, for me, my hubby, my kids, the world, whenever I can.

I wish you kindness, patience, and love this Holy Day season.