Girl, Reconstructed: Crafting a Creative Business as a Special Needs Mom

Hello friends! I am so excited to announce that I finally published my book!  It's titled, Girl Reconstructed: Crafting a Creative Business as a Special Needs Mom. 

This book is basically a detailed way of answering the question I received time and time again; how do you manage to create items and run a shop with two kids on the spectrum? Girl, Reconstructed: Crafting a Creative Business as a Special-Needs Mom offers encouragement and inspiration particularly to crafty special-needs moms (it would actually help anyone) who might want to turn their creative passion into profits. I pour out my heart and soul in strategies, quotes, ideas, and resources to help you along your journey. But most important of all, I use myself as an example to show you that if I can do it, you can too! 

You can order the e-book or paperback here. I will be posting excerpts from the book here so stay tuned!  

Thank you for all of your support throughout these years of my building, Nelesc Designs. I paused the business for a little bit to write the book but I will be back soon!

Enjoy your day! 

Arts Heals: Riffing Off of this Van Gogh Quote

I am about to teach another round of the NYC Craft Entrepreneurship course. These classes always get me excited as I love to share all that I have learned in my creative entrepreneurship journey. 

The best part, though, is hearing my student's stories, how they came to crafting, and what led them to take this next step in entrepreneurship. More and more I am convinced of the power of art as a tool for healing. In light of recent events, I know that it is indeed one of the weapons we can use to  offer hope. 

Last year, I posted this Van Gogh quote on Instagram (by the way, follow me there if you like, @nelescdesigns) with a caption. I'd like to share that IG vintage post with you here, now. 

"Last night, during my craft entrepreneurship class, several people shared that they came to crafting after a traumatic experience in their lives. Creating helped them through depression and pushed them to go on. 

I have been there. I started my shop seven (now eight) years ago after my youngest son was diagnosed with autism. I know what it is to run to my sewing machine in moments of brokenness, sadness, and loneliness thinking, ' if I can only make something then I have something to show for the pain.' You would never know it but some of my creations: re-constructed t-shirts, jumpsuits, fabric cuffs,etc., have a story behind them. I am so grateful to God that I have that outlet. 

What's your outlet what's your coping mechanism? Find something that re-creates you, because sex drugs, and alcohol are so overrated"

Feel free to share some of your crafting stories in the comments! 

"We Will Try Again": On Trying to Have Nice Things When you Have a Special Needs Child.

Sorry for the dark picture.

The other day, after having a blank wall for months, Jon came home with this beautiful work of art and said 
"we will try again." 


The last couple of paintings displayed in our living room were destroyed by Dan. He either broke the frames or peeled paper or paint (depending on the work's medium) off of them. As a person who works in a museum, I felt physical pain when I saw this happen and resigned to not having any art work in the house. "I work in a museum, I can see art there", I told myself. 

The other day, a friend told me, "you must be someone who loves beautiful things." Well, I do, but I know it's difficult to keep them in tact in the house with Dan running and jumping everywhere. My house is pretty plain. I have no grand displays of art,  picture frames, or beautiful objects. 

When hubby brought this work to the house, it was like he was bringing a new baby home and I was hoping and praying  my older child did not hurt it. Art IS my baby! Don't hurt my baby! Dan needs to be taught. 

I love my husband because he refuses to give up on us having a house filled with the things we love. For me it's paintings and for him, fish tanks. He constantly asserts that  we will not play down to his autism. "Autism shmautism", he says, "he has to learn." I have to learn too. With Dan, repetition is key, and I tend to give up too fast.


I'm grateful for his persistence. If art is my baby, I need it close to me. I don't want to settle for visitation rights. 

Now hubby wants us to get a dog...hold up man! One beautiful thing at a time. 

Sometimes the Invitation is Everything!

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post, Special Needs Mothering and FOMO (fear of missing out). I posted it on my Facebook page  and prefaced it with this statement, " I wish I could go to all the events Iam invited to but as a special needs mom, I just can't, but please don't stop inviting me!"

It is my hope that people would understand the value of the invitation, how huge that is. Even if you think or know we can't go to your event, it means a lot to know that you still think of us, that we are not forgotten, and when we can't make it, that I/we are missed. 

In the past I have heard, "we didn't invite you because we know how hard it is for you to get babysitting" or "it was last minute, we knew you wouldn't come."  I don't want to hear that. Yes, if you really want me/us, to attend your event, please do try to invite us with enough time for us to attempt to find a babysitter. But even if it's last minute, reach out, we might be able to swing it, and if we can't, sometimes the invitation is everything!

I Caught a Glimpse...

The other day, I went bowling with my church friends, we were ten, including moi. We met a wonderful family there, they were invited by one of our church members. They were  a family of four: mom, pop, an eleven year old girl and a boy. The girl was so beautiful and well spoken; a dancer. I couldn't believe she was only eleven. We talked about dance technique; chasses and ronde de jambes. It was the most intellectual conversation I had that night. 

Then I caught a glimpse of the boy, the cutest kid. Tall and skinny, like Dan, soft brown hair, also like Dan, I asked his mom how old he was, he was eight, just like Dan. So, I caught a glimpse. A glimpse of what Dan might sound and move like if he didn't have autism. This boy was funny and witty, I could imagine Dan being like that. He spoke fast and had the cutest expressions; I could imagine Dan speaking like that...and for that second, I could feel tears begin to well up. But just for a second. As quickly as these feelings came, they left. They left with the thought of my sweet Dan. 

Dan and I had the most amazing time, earlier that very day. We had a wonderful water play session in our back yard and I remembered his smile, the sheer joy over his face and body playing with the water; his chuckles and laughs. Later on,  I remembered his touch, leading me to the sofa, so I could tickle and massage him. I remembered Dan, my son, his face, his laugh, his gaze, his smile, and in that moment, I did not want him to be anyone else. That beautiful boy I had met in the bowling alley had his own name (which I actually forgot now) and his own life, and his own face. 

He was him and Dan was Dan 

and he is mine and 

I love him for who he is.  

At this time in my life, I would not recognize Daniel if he talked and stood still.This doesn't mean that we don't aim for this and work hard so he can be the best he can be, but at this time, it's not him and I want him to be him. I want Dan. 

So I caught a glimpse of what Dan might have been and I looked away, content.

Creating under Difficult Circumstances: When Things Fall Apart

The other day, my Dan fully broke my dress form. It was already fragile from another one of his stunts but I had managed to put it back together. This time, a recent climbing expedition, completely broke her in two. 

This is what it's like to create in my context, the context of having a child with autism who, although lovable and happy, is also quite impulsive and curious about how things come apart. I have to admit, when I saw Frida (yes, that's what I call this dress form), I was pissed!

I sew and make things so I have a lot of enticing stuff to play with; zippers, tape measures, fabric, paint, brushes,  etc. All of this feeds my sensory needs, so how can it not be tempting to a sensory needy child like mine. And yes, I have, on more than one occasion, sacrificed the zipper or piece of fabric so that he could be happy and quiet in my space while I sewed away, but the buck stops at my mannequins! He cannot have my dress forms too! I am constantly teaching my kids, especially my oldest, how to enforce boundaries, this is one instance when I need to take my own advice.  

So, in an attempt to not have this break me or my creative spirit, I took a deep breath, composed myself, and went about trying to find a solution to this issue. We recently moved and I finally have my own creative, enclosed space  but alas, it has no door! It is now time for a door, or a gate, something, because creating is my lifeline, and when things seem to be falling apart, it's what makes sense and holds me  together. I love my Dan to pieces but he cannot have a piece of my Frida! I need to figure out a way to lovingly enforce my boundaries for him concerning my personal and creative space.  I have to admit, though, this part of self-care is tough for me. 

If you create under difficult circumstances; sickness, caring for a special needs child, unsupportive environment, etc., I'd love to hear from you, swap stories, and learn! 

Spring Break 2014

Hello! I have been MIA from the blog because of Spring break. I had the boys for  whole week and a half! I have a love/hate relationship with Spring break. On one hand I love it because it helps me focus on the boys as I spend time with them and take them out. I also see the progress they have made both socially and academically. The difficult part of Spring break is more about Dan's behavior. He is a non-stop destruction machine and if he does not have structure, he is bound to break something in his manic frenzy. Yes, this is what happened this spring break. He tore magazines and books while I was looking the other way. He's sneaky like that. His cuteness sometimes allows him to get away with it. 

Nevertheless, this time around, I decided to document Spring break. I figured it would get my oldest involved as he constantly reminded me to take a picture, it would add some structure to our day, and also keep me organized as I planned events. 

So here they are, a visual document of our Spring Break. descriptions correspond to pictures row by row. 

MONDAY

1. Monday was a beautiful day so we went to the park. My caption on my intsagram (nelescdesigns) read "a gated park is an autism mom's best friend"

2. The boys and I in the park

TUESDAY

3. I worked at my museum job and the kids stayed home with Dad. This is a shot of one of the artworks by Deborah Grant, The Birth of a Genius in the Midnight Sun, 2012. It rained that day so I didn't feel bad that they stayed in.

WEDNESDAY

4. We went to my sister's house. My sister has a way with Dan. So glad she and her girls love and accept him.

THURSDAY

5. We went to the Fire Safety Zone, with another family who also has a son on the spectrum. Check out Miz Kp's blog,  Sailing Autistic Seas. It does have a sea of information and insight into living with a child on the autism spectrum. 

It's always difficult to go out with Dan but he did surprisingly well. 

FRIDAY

6. We stayed home because I had a lot of work to do for my Art for Autism fundraiser. I felt a little guilty but I stepped out to get the mail and it was cold!!! So I didn't feel so bad. Notice, the weather always dissuades my guilt! lol. 

SATURDAY

7. Art for Autism fundraiser. my oldest and our cousin dropped by. It was a great day and will blog about it separately.

MONDAY

8. We went to the movies and saw Rio 2. It was wonderful! Micah really enjoyed it but Dan fell asleep. I wasn't complaining.  The photo was of Micah and I walking to the train afterward. Dan did not want any part of the pic.

TUESDAY

9. Hubby took Micah out and I took a walk to the library with Dan. Sometimes we have to separate them and give them individual attention. 

So there you have it,  our Spring break  in 9 pictures. It was fun but I am sure glad they are back in school. 

How was your Spring Break? 

Christmas Show, Special Needs, and God with Us: Thank You Very Much Mr. Roboto

Patiently waiting for Dan's class to perform, this was two or three classes before his. 

On Wednesday, I got to my younger son's Winter Concert on time! I was so proud of myself. It's usually packed and I always end up sitting in the 5th or 6th row because, yes, I am usually late. Not this time. I got there extra early and landed a seat in the second row, square in the middle, with no big person in front of me! Also, after looking at the program and realizing that Dan's class was one of the last ones to perform, I saved all my iPhone's battery life for countless photos of his class performance, I was so excited!

I watched performance after performance and then, finally,  Dan's class was next. There I was, camera in hand, positioned motionless so I could capture the perfect shot the moment he hit the stage. My Dan is a ball of energy that jumps, runs, and fidgets at every moment. Many of my pictures of him are mere blurs so this preparation was quite calculated. I figured I would be able to get at least one good picture of him for me, and yes, Facebook.

Dan's class, sans Dan. You can see a little glimpse of the kids dressed as trains.

The music for his class performance started and I began to look for Dan. I looked, and looked, but there was no sign of him. I smiled, masking my anxiety, as the music kept playing and the kids kept coming out in their costumes. I wasn't sure what he was supposed to be so I didn't know what to look for.  First, kids dressed as trains, came out; then others dressed as rockets. The next batch were teddy bears, and lastly, the robot kids. The music ended, his class performance was over, and still no sign of Dan.

I couldn't understand it. Did I miscalculate? Was his class actually the next one to perform? Was he so well disguised that I had missed him? Didn't I see his class heading to the stage? Then I spotted him with his paraprofessional (para), heading back down off the platform. My heart sank. I knew something must have gone awry. I silently started to cry as the music started playing for the next act. Tears rolling down, I started to get in my head, "couldn't his para handle him?" I thought. "This is a special school, aren't they supposed to be able to deal with kids that have sensory issues and are hyper?" The show was not over but I just wanted to leave. I thought of how I could make a grand exit to show how pissed I was and then write an angry e-mail to his teacher about how they broke a mother's heart.

Photo courtesy of http://shu-media.co.uk

Then I took a hold of myself as I felt a calming presence over me. I looked back and Dan was sitting nicely with his para. I decided I was going to go over to his class and find out what happened. When they laid eyes on me, both his para and teacher had these apologetic faces on them. Before I could say "What the hell happened? They started, "Ms.______, I am so sorry, we tried everything and Dan just refused to go on. He ripped his robot costume off and started to cry. We really tried!" Ah, so there it was, he was supposed to be a robot. That puzzle was solved. I could feel my anger melting away. I couldn't hold it against them. They have a very good track record with Dan. I truly believed they tried their best. I couldn't help, though, to continue to ruminate; this is a class of 6 year old autistic children, could they have placed them ahead of the middle schoolers? Couldn't his para pack some snacks to keep him calm? Aaah, if I was going to to salvage this day, I had to decide to let it go. There was no time for what-ifs and recalculations, I sat down with Dan, bopped him up and down on my lap to the rest of the musical numbers, and enjoyed him. He was smiling and laughing; clearly, he was happy to see me. 

Then I realized, "of course! Dan is not a robot!" I can't just press a button and expect him to perform at will. No wonder he ripped that robot costume off! It was his own little performance art piece speaking against the constraints of society. What an extraordinary act of defiance. The boy is genius! Lol.

That act of defiance spoke to me more than the planned performance. No, I have no picture to show off, and I don't have the "he looked so cuuuuute" story to tell my husband. What I do have is a boy who is his own person. A boy, I need to continue accepting and loving for who he is. A boy that teaches me not to be a robot myself, to live my life to the fullest (John 10:10).

Photo courtesy of Britton Church, http://www.brittonchurch.com

I love Christmas simply because it is a reminder that God is with us; Emmanuel. This is what this season is all about. God is with me in this journey. Through the tears, the pain, the joy, the lessons of life, He is with me. He became human to share in our struggles and experience what we go through. And because we are human, not robots, He gives us the choice to be with Him. He never pushes, but shows up, ever so gently, at the right moment. Like the moment I didn't see my son on stage. He is with me and I, also, choose to be with Him.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays.

Modeling Vulnerability, Armor, the Dress, and "Summertime Sadness"

Vulnerability...this has been the big theme for me lately. When you are a special needs parent you are automatically put in a position where you have to ask for help, making one feel, well... quite vulnerable.  You might say that all mothers have to ask for help, and they do, but not on the scale that mothers of special needs children do. You need people, and lots of them. Family, support groups,  church community, therapists, social workers, doctors, qualified babysitters, home health aides, etc. This needing, that requires asking for help, is absolutely incredibly difficult for me.

I didn't realize how difficult it was for me to ask for help until I read Brene Brown's book on vulnerability; Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (link on top). This apprehension for "help asking" caught me by surprise. I have two children on opposite sides of the autism spectrum. My oldest is 11, I am not exactly an autism mom novice. I thought I dealt with this whole vulnerability issue with my first child.  I guess there is more work to be done and much armor to chip away. Brown talks a lot about armor:

"We emotionally 'armor up' each morning when we face the day to avoid feeling shame, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. The particular armor changes from person to person, but it usually revolves around one of three methods: striving for perfection, numbing out, or disrupting joyful moments by 'dress rehearsing tragedy' and imagining all the ways that things could go wrong."

My kind of armor is perfectionism. She goes on to say, 

"All of these types of armor can make us feel safe and 'in control' in the moment, but they're really doing us more harm than good. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield-we think it will protect us but it keeps us from being seen."

I spent a big part of my life, armored up and I guess it's harder to penetrate than I thought. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who, although extremely loving, cared intensely about what people thought. We were never allowed to tell people we were living with a raging alcoholic even though our house was figuratively and literally falling apart. I also grew up in a fundamentalist Pentecostal church where proper dress and behavior were the norm and we were always to answer,  "en victoria!" (in victory) when asked how we are doing. Growing up, armor was my middle name.

Now you throw autism into the mix and what do you get? Vulnerability. Autism has been chipping away at my armor little by little and this summer, it came to a head, it took out a big chuck, leaving me feeling raw, disempowered, and helpless. This past summer was the toughest summer I had ever had to face,  my most vulnerable summer. Lana del Rey's song "summertime sadness" does not even begin to describe it. Okay, I'll stop saying summer now, lol.  Anyway, I needed a lot of help and I wasn't willing to ask for it until I broke down. There were other things happening, not just autism, that I might unveil in future posts but for now, I will say, that, although there is work to be done, I'm on the other side;  I feel joyful again, reconnected, and extremely hopeful.

Modeling vulnerability

As I always do in times of discomfort, depression and struggle, I make art, write, and pray. Not always in that order, sometimes all together.  Rainn Wilson, in an interview with Oprah I watched a couple of months back, says it better: 

"Art is a prayer. I believe the two are the same thing. So there's not any difference between being creative and being spiritual."

My art/prayer happens to be making clothes and so I decided I wanted to make a collection that reflected this whole idea of armor and vulnerability. My clothes have been so literal in the past, with the icons and all, I have been longing to make clothes that are more conceptual in nature, garments that tell a story. This is not a full fledged collection yet; so far, it's only two pieces, but I didn't want to wait until I finished them all before I posted about the concept. I figured I'd give you a sneak peek now and will let you in on my process in future posts.  I am still not sure if these pieces are just for me, whether I will sell them in my shop, whether they will be used for a future fashion show...I just knew I had to make them.

Here's the first piece. I have been working on it since September. You might know by now about my love of sweatshirts. I love elevating the lowly. That is exactly what God does.

"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong;"

1 Corinthians 1:27, English Standard Version

This dress is made from two sweatshirts. Humble, lowly material, no?

I chose beige to simulate flesh tone. I then screen printed the lace pattern. Lace is delicate, rips apart easily. It's a very "vulnerable" fabric. This is how I felt this summer. I ripped apart easily. Lace also speaks of intimacy. You usually see it on lingerie and screen printed on the beige, it gives a see-through illusion. During this time, I felt quite disconnected from all that compose my community. I felt alone but desperately wanted to be seen. 

What's a post about vulnerability if I don't take off my glasses!

The lower part of the sleeves are made from the top part of stretchy boots that I wore for years, the heel worn to disrepair. I wanted to use something recycled because nothing is discarded in this journey. This tough summer experience has informed me greatly, I learned a lot. I know what to do differently next time.

The boot material also simulates leather, a tough material. Armor, if you will. As a special needs mom, you have to wear some armor, it goes with the territory. People can be mean to your children, to you. I often feel I am on warrior mode all the time, repelling bullets with my big Wonder Woman cuffs. 

However,  sometimes, that same armor can prevent you from being vulnerable, being seen, asking for help. For me, the trick is to NOT see vulnerability as weakness and opening up to the right people is key. I took the first step in asking for help by opening up to a lovely woman who took me out to dinner, listened to me, spoke truth, prayed for me, followed up, and guided me though this time.

I was actually on the phone here, I had to take this call, lol.

I love that, unless you look really close, you can't tell that this is made from two sweatshirts and recycled boots. The screen printing process was more expensive than the actual materials! All is not how it seems. To the naked eye, I looked fine, was even praised for holding it all together, it was so far from the truth. This, an ordinary dress with layers of meaning, is just like all of us; ordinary people with lots of layers...and unless we choose to open up to people, the right people, and allow them to get close, they won't see the real you. 

How do you model vulnerability? What do you do when you're feeling down? How do you process? For me, art is my saving grace! God always reveals truth to me while I create. Whether it be sewing, singing, collaging, it's what gets me through. I would love to hear your thoughts and I look forward to sharing more about what I have learned.

Tutorial Tuesday: Lace/Mesh Top Inspired by "Jasmine" from Parenthood

I started watching Parenthood when my son's former ABA therapist told me that, on the show, a young actor plays a boy with autism. Of course, I couldn't resist wondering how the show would portray an autistic kid since, hello, this is my life! Anyway, the show is amazing and they have done a wonderful job. Since watching the show, I have also become equally smitten by all the cute tops and dresses worn by the actors, particularly, "Jasmine" played by Joy Bryant.

I absolutely loved this Helmet Lang top she wore this past season and thought that maybe I could emulate it by using a reverse applique technique (sewing material on top of sweater and then cutting underneath). I also decided to use lace, which I have a lot of, instead of the mesh-like material from the original top.  

What I liked most about the top were the long strips on the side going across the bodice and the arms. I then had to be lead by the sweater I bought; there were some stains I had not noticed and needed to cover those. That's what I get for buying a $1.00 sweater.

Materials:

-Sweater
-lace or mesh material
-scissors
-thread
-sewing machine (you can hand sew but I have not tried it this way)

Here's the sweater I bought for this project. I wanted a lighter grey like "Jasmine's" but I couldn't find it in that color so I settled on this darker grey I found for a $1.00

It was a mens extra large so I re-sized it using a top that fits me well. I stitched the top of the sleeves and the sides.

 Now that's better.

I wasn't following "Jasmine's" top to the letter as I knew I wanted one of the lace pieces to go on top of my chest area. I love working with triangles so I chose that basic shape, placed it, pinned it, and then sewed it in place. 

 This is what it looks like when you turn it inside out.

Before cutting,  I grabbed the lace from underneath to make sure it didn't get caught when I started to cut the top part of the sweater.

 

 I always start by making a hole and then proceed to cut.

 Make sure to cut inside of the shape. Do not cut across the thread line.

More cutting

This is what it looks like when done cutting (from the inside out)

I used this technique on the arm and shoulder bands similar to "Jasmine's". Now I had to cover the stains on the bottom of the sweater. Do you see them?

 

I used another triangle piece to cover them, stitched in place,

turned it around, and cut the sweater part revealing the lace underneath.

Peek-a-boo, I think you can see my bellybutton.

Here's the long strip like "Jasmine's", although it doesn't cut across the bodice like her's. 

I like the way the arm lace band looks.

I made some lace cut outs in the back too. I sort of went a litle crazy with them. 

I think what I will do next time is,1.choose a sweater that does not have stains so that my design is not guided by the sweater and 2. cut the sweater apart at the seams, add the lace strips and then sew back together. It was difficult to maneuver the sweater, already assembled, through my sewing machine .  

All in all, I like the finished product and will definitely wear it out and about, especially when it gets warmer. 

What do you think? Do any of you watch Parenthood?